(This post was originally published on my other blog on 5/9/12, but I thought I’d share it here because I found it amusing.) Video games often have you do things that wouldn’t make sense in real life, and usually we don’t question it. I don’t even just mean the weird stuff, but the fact that we just direct our characters to go into peoples’ houses without permission, for example. Or we attack creatures that do nothing to us. The “Kirby” series comes to mind, as many enemies make no signs of aggression towards Kirby, but Kirby still attacks them. What have the Waddle Dees ever done to him, aside from the fact that touching them is harmful (which makes no sense)? It would be weird if you actually sustained physical harm from simply walking into someone, but then you still couldn’t just attack them. And in “The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword”, Link sleeps in other people’s beds, for quacking out loud! Have you no shame, sir? Continue reading A Discussion on Why Rayman Might Be a Criminal
Tag Archives: humor
Zelda Limericks
And now, I continue poetry on the topic of my obvious terror of “Zelda” characters with various limericks. Along with a game. Drum roll please. Let’s play…Guess the Monster! Guess which creatures my limericks are describing! And don’t look at the tags, you cheaters! Continue reading Zelda Limericks
Lament of the ReDead
A series of four ReDead haiku. Enjoy. If you dare… Uwa-ha-hack cough!
Haiku #1
Wrinkled old zombies
They are really just Gibdos
Without the clothes on
Haiku #2
They may be dead, but
They know how to boogie when
They’re not eating you
Haiku #3
Eyes rotted away
Mouth never closed; quit screaming
You’ll wake the neighbors
Haiku #4
Or maybe they scream
‘Cause they’re more afraid of you
Bring fire, just in case
Dirge of Slender
Time for a series of Slender haiku. Followed by a poem about the one thing even Slender Man can’t compete with…. Continue reading Dirge of Slender
The Inanities of Video Game Bosses (Created by Square, I Mean)
Some time ago, I replayed “Kingdom Hearts”, a game I had gone through two times prior, and yet, for some reason, this was the first time that something struck me. Video game bosses are weird. Not just the concept (why are they even called “bosses” to begin with?), but…you know what, have you ever beaten “Kingdom Hearts”? Or really, any Square Enix game for that matter. Because, sometimes, they have the absolute strangest abominations you’ve ever seen. It almost seems to be a requirement in such games that the final boss is the most distorted and ridiculous creature they can possibly come up with.
And so, when I was battling the final boss of “Kingdom Hearts” during my third playthrough, it was only now that it hit me just how goofy the end of the game is (goofy, not Goofy). Honestly. I mean, okay, I can accept the earlier fight against Ansem, when he has that funky Heartless thing hovering behind him all throughout the entire battle (which would bother me, personally, as I don’t do well with anyone breathing down my neck, monster or not-monster alike). But, then, once you beat him, you have another fight that is so much more absurd, where Ansem and his funky minion thing have somehow merged with a…I don’t know…a psychotic cruise ship of death that is floating out in nothingness, with faces all over it (including one face with a chin that could poke your eye out…nay, to be more accurate, it could poke your entire face out). And I don’t know why I never thought that much about it before, but the last time I saw this thing…
Continue reading The Inanities of Video Game Bosses (Created by Square, I Mean)
Crime in Video Games and Why Even Kirby Commits It
Why is crime okay in video games? And no, I’m not talking about “Grand Theft Auto”. I’m talking about games like “The Legend of Zelda” and “Kirby”. Yep, even in games like those, things that would be considered wrong in real life are deemed perfectly acceptable. What am I talking about? Well, have you ever thought twice about walking into a stranger’s house in “Zelda”? And if there is an item, do you not take it? The answer to these questions is a no and a yes, respectively. In the video game universe, any item in a treasure chest is up for grabs, whether it be in some deep, dark woods or someone’s home. Stealing is okay. Because that’s exactly what it is. Stealing. If someone walks into my house, even if I leave the door unlocked, and takes items out of my treasure chest (okay, I don’t own a treasure chest, nor would it be wise to put items in it, as it would suggest they are, well, treasure), I would come after you. Don’t you rob me, you scoundrel! But, Link does it all the time, and it’s fine. Walking into people’s houses is an even more common practice, but you certainly wouldn’t like it if I did it to you, now would you? (“Rayman 3” even involves our hero trespassing into someone’s house, then proceeding to assault the owner, and somehow the owner is portrayed as a villain because he fights back.)
And then, have you ever played a “Kirby” game and decided to attack those poor, little Waddle Dees just for the sake of it? Of course, you have. But, most of the time, are they really doing anything but taking a stroll or gently drifting down from the heavens with an umbrella to slow their descent? Why do we not only feel the need to maul these poor creatures, but feel justified in doing so? Again, if you attacked me while I was simply minding my own business, taking a walk (while trying to find a place to hide my treasure chest so people stop helping themselves to its contents) or participating in my own drift down from the heavens with a bumbershoot of my own, I would be quite peeved, to say the least. It would be uncalled for, sir! But, in a video game, it’s perfectly fine to attack those who are doing nothing or wild animals simply defending themselves. Continue reading Crime in Video Games and Why Even Kirby Commits It
